He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
