My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sext me about skeletons
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