You work out of a Hotel?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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