Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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