Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize