someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
