This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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