Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
