i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
