I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
