I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
