I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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