Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
