my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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