i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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