dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
