I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
