woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You are a genius and a whore.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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