i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i think my mom watched the whole time
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
