Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
