so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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