Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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