We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize