allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
