i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
