Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
