I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
