Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
NoShamevember. You game?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
