Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
