You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
