There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
