At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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