no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
