Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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