He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
