Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
