I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
