Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
