I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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