when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
