You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
