Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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