My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
