No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
