I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Panties = found
Randomize
