oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
