When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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