I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
