You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
