The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
