I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
