Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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