He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
