take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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