he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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