Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
