it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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