i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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