So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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