I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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